The wife once asked me, for a birthday present, to get her something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds.

I bought her a new bathroom scale.

We didn't speak for a week.

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... world's smallest handcuff.

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High to day of 60 degrees, tomorrow 63.

Then by Monday, 38.

Nature sure can tease us, eh?

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... when all of your doctors have retired.

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1. THE BEST EVER!

No, one of your favorites. There can never be a 'best ever'.

2. MUST SEE!

You just want me to see it (whatever) to make me think you're brilliant for suggesting it.

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Less than 2 months until baseball season starts.

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Dinner tonight -

A double decker cheeseburger,

burgers cooked on my George Foreman grill.

French fries,

cooked in my air fryer.

Served with a large chocolate malt,

made in my new blender.

Bon appetit!

I just got a new 10 speed blender,

so I can make mixed drinks and chocolate malts again.

YIPPEE!

A horse and a chicken were playing on the farm.

The horse fell into a big hole and couldn't get out, so he told the chicken to get the farmer to get him out.

The chicken couldn't find the farmer, so he got in the farmer's Mercedes,

attached a rope to the bumper and pulled the horse out.

A few days later, while playing in the yard, the chicken fell into the hole.

The chicken told the horse to find the farmer and get it out.

The horse saw the Mercedes was gone, which meant the farmer wasn't there.

So the horse straddled the hole and the chicken used the horse's cock to climb out.

The moral of the story is this:

If you're hung like a horse,

you don't need a Mercedes to get chicks.

Feb. 1st I will be getting my clippers out and be giving myself a haircut because the weather is turning warmer.

I've been cutting my own hair for over 10 years.

I just like to do it myself.

Of course, you know what might happen -

it will turn cold again.

Kind of like when you wash your car with nary a cloud in the sky...

it will soon rain.

I'm only superstitious when it comes to sports,

so off I go.

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