when i began coming to this site, i was just another horny guy looking to hook up. i'm stilll horny, but my views have changed significantly. i equate my experience here to my experience with the Army. when i joined the Army, i thought it was a place for people who could not get real jobs. just a bunch of high school drop outs that just want to have a bunch of kids and have the government pay for them. i was very wrong with that assumption. there are a few like that, but most are very smart and great to be around. not just a bunch of killers. this blog is not about the Army though, it is about all the fine, caring people which i have met here. i was content to stay on the sidelines during my early years here. just perving pics and such. i would go into chat, be welcomed then look for chicks in my area. i never really chatted with anyone. that is until that fateful day when a long time memeber (ya know who ya are) said hello and struck up a conversation. i found that it is possible to come to an adult site where we have the same desires and thoughts, but it doesn't have to lead to us screwing each other. if that is what you are looking for and you find it here, God Bless you. but to me it has become about friendship and a place where i can come and not be judged. i can also share thoughts and feelings and get some wonderful insight and a whole load of encouragement. these people didn't need to take time out of their busy lives to give me a lift, but they did and for that i will be forever greatful. i'm sure that many people would say that chat sites are for losers, but they could not be more wrong. the people i have met here are more real that most of the people that i workk for. no, i am not that naive; i know that there are those who are not what they say they are. but a friend of mine says she's batting about 90%. she has not led me astray here! i trust her judgement implicitly. yes, there has been a lot written lately about faith and trust. for my friends here, i am one who you can put your faith in completely. i know i can do the same with you. don't get me wrong......there are still a couple of my friends here that i wanna "do".............lmfao.......have a great NN day......thank you friends, i salute you

that i was going to start my "happy blogging". i was going to tell you about all the good experiences in iraq and my life. that was until i had a meeting with my head nurse! she called me yesterday to tell me that she wanted me to come in this morning. it is never a good thing if they want to see you on a day off, but i figured that i had not done anything THAT bad..... well, it turns out that she wanted to meet with all of the staff that worked a particular night. it appears that a complaint was lodged by a patient and family saying that we were talking about him at the nurses station. i was charge that night, so i did have a few conversations with his primary nurse about his care. he had a tough time that night as he was vomiting and in pain. the doctor was less than attentive and the family informed us that they were upset with him for that. ok, i can handle it so far, but it gets SSSOOOO much worse. it turns out that the patient's wife called his commander at ft bragg to complain about his care and it made it all the way to the fucking commander of ft bragg! yes a commanding general wants "heads to roll". he in turn called the commander of our hospital (yes, a two star general) to complain. they alledge that we were talking about the merits of his injury and whether he deserves a medal or whatever!!!!! WHAT, i don't give a damned about merits. i am proud to serve those men and women who have served our country! i take pride in my work. they also say that two male nurses (only two of us men worked that night) were talking about giving him a hand job and playing with his foley catheter!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! i am so upset right now. i am bothered by the fact that my name is now out there and associated with this bullshit. sure i get to write a memorandum for record, but who cares. that these allegations are even being entertained is distressing. never in my career or my life have i felt so humiliated. my head nurse says that she believes us and that she will go to bat for us, but i don't even care. i need to get out of there. the problem is i am stuck there until next february at the earliest. as i sit here, i am still in shock. i am trying to fight the tears back, but they will flow. they are tears of anger and frustration. all night these fucking people were telling us that we were doing such a great job and were thanking us profusely. the other problem is that nurses in general have big mouths (sorry north ) so i know that there is going to rumors and gossip abounding. i plan on fighting to clear my name, but with the military, those above you don't always listen. i may not even get the chance to state my case to the general who i really want to speak to. sorry for the once again depressing blog....someday it will be a happy one........maybe

so i'm in charge the other night and i get this call from the supervisor to let me know we are getting a patient. she tells me that it is a 20something year old active duty sergeant. he was involved in a low speed car accident after doing some heroin. i feel bad for the guy as i know he will be in trouble and being addicted to drugs must be horrible, but quickly move on. after he arrived, i read his note and then it really hit me. he had been diagnosed with PTSD from his tour in iraq. i am not sure whether the drug use began before his deployment or after, but to me it did not matter. upon further reading, i discovered that he had an abusive father and a rough childhood. that was when i had my "there but for the grace of God go i" moment. on the surface his situation mirrored mine to a t. i am not sure whether i have stumbled through life with luck on my side or what. all things considered i am a very lucky man. i know that i will never be rich, but i did escape the trailer parks and string of cheap apartments which i was brought up in during my early years. i admit that i have often thought of trying drugs, but i know myself. i believe that i have an addictive personality and am convinced that my first hit of the hard stuff would be the end of me. that being said, i do the legal drug....alcohol is my drug of choice to ease the pain. most of the time i have that under control, but sometimes it does get the better of me. what do i want to forget? maybe its the sexual, physical, and emotional abuse of my natural father......probably not as i have been able to wall that off sufficiently during my years. that was a previous life to me. could it be being with my brother as he drowned when i was 10? i don't think so even though i do have guilt as i was not able to save him, although i am convinced he would have taken me down with him. could it be from working the site the night of 9/11 and telling the firefighters to put all the body parts in the same bag as they will have to be sorted out through DNA? i don't think so. iraq is what is still in my head and burning a hole through my soul. i have not shared a lot of this to my VA shrink as i'm sure they will just put the blame on the other issues and say that iraq had nothing to do with it. maybe it was just the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back....who knows. i do admit that sharing here is helping me to feel better. i appreciate the kind comments and words of encouragement. i do have to say that even though these blogs have a negative feel to them, i am an extremely lucky man. i have a beautiful wife, a wonderful home and am loved by many. soon i will share all the good in my life, i am just trying to get through this rough patch and make this alll part of my previous life! oh, did i mention that the young man i spoke of earlier in the blog was a nurse?????....there but for the grace............

no depressing blog today ) i just wanted to let my friends here know that i will see them mon or tues. i work tonight and then i have 4 off so i am going to run up to ny to see my wife!!!! ))))) have a great weekend all and i will catch you next week.

no depressing blog today ) i just wanted to let my friends here know that i will see them mon or tues. i work tonight and then i have 4 off so i am going to run up to ny to see my wife!!!! ))))) have a great weekend all and i will catch you next week.

many of you probably didn't see the movie "we were soldiers once, and young", it was a movie about the vietnam war with mel gibson. in it there were scences showing taxi drivers delivering telegrams. that was how the military used to handle the business of notifying the family of soldiers who were killed. can you believe it? a fucking telegram! i was shocked. i had never given it much thought before. i have learned however. early on in the iraq war a member of the unit i was in was killed. the way things work now, we (members of the unit) were not allowed to make contact with the family until they were officially notified. notification is made by the chaplain and another representative. i was working as the aide-de-camp, which is essentially the bitch for a general officer. i was in charge of getting his coffee, making sure he was on time and generally keeping him happy. i was not originally appointed CAO, but when i saw how the soldier who was appointed acted, i immediately asked the general to be appointed. there is no formal training or class on this. the job consists of a number of visits to the family to present them with the death benifit, coordinate the body with the funeral home, and aid in making funeral arrangements. after our first visit in which we presented the first check, i told the soldier with whom i was working that he was not to say another word to the family. he was to do only the paperwork. you see, he felt that she was not sufficiently impressed with the amount of the check and kept putting it in front of her face. did he really think she gave two fucks about the money at that point???? she had just lost her husband and was now facing the daunting task of raising three young children alone. what an asshole! I made many trips to her house and made sure that alll the details were worked out. she had my cell number and would call me frequetly with questions. i could never imagine what she was going through. i especially felt like i owed her because i had many conversations with her husband, mostly talking about a career change for him. he was a truck driver, but wanted to provide more for his family. i had given him the name of the director of the local nursing school (who was a friend of mine) and encouraged him to go in that direction. each month when i saw him i would always ask...he would say that he was too busy, but that he was going to. he loved the United States of America and yet he was not even a citizen when he deployed. he was Romanian and his wife said that his greatest day was when he was sworn in as a citizen. that took place in iraq about a week before he was killed. after the burial his wife approached me quietly to thank me for helping with the process and also for the tears in my eyes during the burial. it appears that even the children noticed and thought it odd that a tough army man would cry. it meant something to her that i really did care. i still speak with her occasionally, she and the children are doing well. i only hope that i was able to provide a touch of comfort during such a difficult time. RIP SGT Dima and may your family be always Blessed.

Dr Pryor was one of those people who are too good to be true. he was an amazing surgeon, but above all he was one of those specail people. he really cared about mankind and was always there to help. he made everyone feel special. he was an amazing teacher and would take the time to answer anyone's questions. many times (often rightfully so) surgeons have a reputation of having a short temper, being demanding, and frequently not nice people. many use the excuse that they are just perfectionists. Dr Pryor showed that you can be a perfectionist and a nice humann being. as i have been writing these blogs, i have often wished that had the eloquent style that he had. he frquently wrote about being a doctor in philly and the struggles associated. he compared what he saw in the inner city to what he saw in iraq. those who are perceptive may note that i have written about him in the past tense. this is not due to the fact that my service with him was in the past......he is perhaps the greatest loss of the war in iraq. he deployed again last year and was killed in a mortar attack on Christmas Day 2008. i did not know him well enough to go on about his life. we had many conversations while working, but never hung out outside of the hospital as both of us always semmed to be there anyway. i did attend his funeral (i was able to talk my wife into it as well) and it was extremely well attended. they had to move it to the biggest cathedral in philly. he had touched that many lives. it was attended by patients he had treated, the many colleagues he warked with and a great number of us in the military whose lives he had enriched. we had e-mailed each other many times when we had returned, always promising to get together. he asked me to present at a nursing conference which he was involved in, but the timing didn't work out. that is one big regret for me as i wish i would have taken the time to get together. he was an amazing person. i ask each and every one of you to visit the website and learn more about him because i have not done his memory justice. it is : drjohnpryor.com i also would ask that you google him and learn more. the words for me today are difficult for some reason........thanks again

i have half way convinced myself that i would have come home okay (definitely not as bad) if the day would not have happened. unfortunately it happened the last week of our tour which makes it so much worse and really the most lasting impression of my time there. i worked in the ICU, but when there were mass casualty situations, we would routinely cover in the ER until things were straightened out. we received a call that we had multiple casualties coming in as some marines had been hit. the Er had 2 trauma beds and i had set up on one. they brought the young marine in that i was to be working on. the first thing is that when they come in it is so hard to tell anything because they are always covered with dust and such. i couldn't tell whether this young man was just pale or what. when i looked down the first thing that hit me was that he had no legs....okay, i can deal with that, i had before, but it is always a shock to see the remnants of a human being and the devastation of it all. he had tournequets on so perhaps it would be okay. the first thing we had to do was cut his body armor off so we could properly assess any other injuries that he had...that is where everything started to go bad. i was on his left side and his left arm was on his chest. when i picked up his arm to begin cutting off the armor, it felt as if it had no bones in it. it had been so badly damaged that you could literally bend it any way you wanted to. i almost lost it right then and there. luckily Dr Pryor was there as he was such a calming influence (i will spend a whole blog on him as he more than deserves it!). to this day i cannot forget or get out of my head the feeling of picking that arm up and attempting to cut off the armor. it may have been better if the whole thing would have just come off, maybe i could have processed it a little better. it is a testament to the human body that we were able to work on him and have him still be alive when he went to the OR. no he did not make it as the injuries were just too much for him to overcome. if Dr Pryor was not able to save him, no one could have! i go back and forth between wishing i could remember the young man's name. maybe i would reach out to his family to let them know that we really did all that we could. he was not just another casualty of the war...he was a special person. i can only speak for myself, but as i worked on him, he was loved by me. who did he leave behind? who was going to get the next dreaded knock on the door, a chaplain standing on the doorstep with news that was going to change lives forever. i wanted to be the one to tell them, to cry with them to share stories about what a life he led... I wanted to know him. would that make me whole? no, i am not that naive, but i wanted them to know we tried. i never shared this story with anyone, so imagine my surprise when i had been home for some time and i happened to come across an article by Dr Pryor describing an incident which really stuck with him....yes, it was the same young man. Dr Pryor worked in philly as the head of trauma at a renowned hospital. this young man had the same profound effect on him as he had me. maybe the PTSD world is not so big after all. i remember the others who died as well...the one who was shot in the face by a sniper, the one who was so far gone by the time he reached us that we didn't even have the opportunity to give him a chance...and others. yes i would have liked to have had the chance to inform all of their families, but none were as "special" as that young man. i know not why. if you are wondering, i have served as a CAO (casualty assistance officer) for a soldier of a unit i was in. he deserves his own blog as well. the tears still come as i was writing this...the "nameless" young man will forever be a part of my life....and yes...i still love him!!!! thanks again.......

my wife and mother-in-law noticed the changes immediately of course. i am a californian at heart.....a little more laid back than most and don't stress easily. fairly carefree and easy going as well. i also let a lot slide before i would voice my displeasure at things. i was not easily irritated, would get stressed at small things and voiced my opinions ALL of the time according to my mother-in-law. not necessarily bad things as i was still able to cope and keep it together. i started having panic attacks when it was time to go to work...still i was able to work my way through them. then one day i did something that every nurse dreams about, but should never do. we had this young man (early 20s) who had been in a car accident (some time previous) and came in for yet another surgery. we received him post op and pain control was an issue, but he was absolutely disrespectful to everyone involved in his care....he was cursing at them and just utterly a pain. many times in this situation, it is helpful to bring loved ones in as they can often provide some comfort. this young man's parents came in and he lit into them worse than he did us. once he discovered that they were not going to help his cause he tole them to "get the fuck out". at this point, they started to leave. his father pulled my aside and proceeded to tell me how to deal with his son. after having witnessed the way that his son had treated him and his reaction to it, i was more than hesitant to follow his advice. mind you i was in charge of the unit at the time and not directly involved with his care. our unit is an open bay with 21 beds. the only thing separating each bed is a curtain which we pull closed as needed. after his parents departed, i went over to the young man's bed, pulled the curtains closed and began to speak to him. in a voice significantly louded than a whisper i began to talk to him about how he should treat my staff. i appraoched it this way......i said, "listen you little fuck, you will not treat my staff this way. we are doing everything we can to help and there is no excuse for the way that you are treating us. i will not tolerate it any longer!" his reply was something to the effect of, "you don't know what i've been through." i responded, "you are right, but you don't know what i've been through either, so let's call it even!" i then opened the curtains and watched as most of the staff stood with their jaws on the floor. he was a much better patient after that as we continued to help him get through the day.
it was also at this point where the panice attacks and anxiety at having to go to the hospital became unbearable. i started calling in more and then just couldn't go at all. i then decided that the VA needed another patient and i sought help. i am now taking celexa and neurontin and it seeems to be helping after adjusting the dosage a few times. i still have sleep issues at times, wake up with nightmares occaionally and the sound of a helicopter literally causes me to have an increased heart rate and i start shaking a little. but i am better and each day is another journey. thank all of you as usual for listening.........

first, the one thing that i want to impress to all is that i am proud to call the interpreters i met friends! this too is a source of friction with my wife because she wants nothing from iraq in my life. i keep in e-mail contact with them and have met one since returning (two now live in the US, one having married a nurse from the unit which replaced us!) as i stated before, i have writted letters and championed the cause of another who is trying to obtain his visa.
i feel i short-sheeted the iraqi people in my previous post and the reason is this; the lives of the iraqi people and the soldier are so closely inter-twined. i saw too often the results of those interactions, often with catastrophic results. many times we saw iraqi people who had been shot by our convoys as they travel the roads of iraq. it is easy for people (and at times i admit i am one) to critcize the gunners of said convoys because they had shot civilians. then i have to put myself in ther position. they have been given a HUGE responsibilty and in many cases an impossible task. i often thanked God that i was not the one who had to make the split second decision as to whether the vehicle approaching was a VBIED (vehicle-born improvised explosive device) or an iraq civilian who just happened to get too close. there are "rules of engagement", but these rules are processed at incredible speeds. we put weapons of destruction in a teenagers hands and give him (or her......yes, as a medical unit we actually had female soldiers as gunners) the task of protecting not only themselves, but we entrust them with the lives of their friends. i saw children who had been killed and injured severely because of those decisions. i am sure your initial reaction is one of horror (who's isn't?) and immediately want to place the blame on those that pulled the trigger, but i was able to look in the eyes and see the faces of those who did the pulling. the shock, pain, and sorrow in their eyes stopped my in my tracks. it is also important to note that the terrorists think nothing of using women and children to deliver a VBIED! i could not imagine having to live the rest of my life knowing that i had caused such suffering. in one instance after a little girl of 7 years had been killed i sat stunned as the father came to me with tears in his eyes and asked about compensation.....what the fuck i said to myself with a lot of internal anger!!!! yes, the US government will compensate the locals for any "damage" that we do while there. whether be damaging a house, using their property, or killing their family. how much is a humann life worth over there? i was really afraid to ask. after i was able to process such a disgusting question, i was able to realize that he WAS in pain, but the simple fact remained that he still had a family to care for. yes, they will try anything to provide for their families. we have seen many cases of the same thing here in our court system, so i quickly dismounted from my high and mighty stance.
my initial hesitancy in seeking treatment is rooted in all that i have written above. how could i possibly ask for help when i was not subjected to the life and death decisions and horrors that the troops "in the field" had seen? my decisions held only one life in the balance and i had a team to help me with those decisions. i did not have to protect my brothers and sisters and wonder if the next car might severly change my life. but in fact i had seen all of that, but only through the eyes of others. i saw the father and mother and brother and sister of those killed and i have seen the anguish of those who had inflicted the pain. plus i had worked on their loved one who took the last breath in my presencethe last thing i want to impress, is that i have also seen the results of those who hesitated that split second and who had experienced first-hand the cost of that delay. if you sat and thought of what an explosion might do to a human body, please double it and perhaps triple it. being from a trauma hospital, i am used to motor vehicle accidents, falls, small caliber gunshots, etc. i was not even prepared for the devastation caused by an IED. it is something that i will never be able to get out of my mind. it is also something that i hope less and less people will have to see in the future. i am tired, thank you......