I must confess that I am really not doing so well. I have been in a really dark place lately that I am having a hard time shaking. Thankfully I know enough to talk to a therapist about it. Even though it is hard to admit that we need help from time to time, talking about things does help. Shining light on them takes their power away a bit. So please if you are ever feeling anxious, scared, stressed, depressed, whatever…don’t hesitate to talk to a professional. Take care of yourself.

Sometimes I need to write lists to remind myself of important things.

-Life isn’t short, it’s way too long. If you fuck up, fix it, move on and learn from it.
-The purest way that people judge you is by looking at the way you treat others. Always be more kind.
-You can’t control everything. Learn to accept that and be adaptable.
-There are very few things more important than letting people know that you love and need them.
-Tomorrow is a chance to be better than you were today. However, tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

I’ve been spending a lot of time listening to the works of one of my idols. Doing a deep dive and consuming everything I can find about him. He was one year younger than I am right now when he died suddenly at his home, apparently sitting in his chair listening to the music of one of his idols. This man did so much as a musician, a humanitarian, a fighter for people all over the world. His life inspired so many just as it has inspired me.

Examining my own life has never been a strong point for me. Doing so makes me feel as if I what have accomplished is not enough. Like my idol ,it can all be gone in an instant. I’m prepared to never slow down and to work harder and to be better. Imagine doing something that leaves even just one person inspired by what you have accomplished.

Nothing says you’ve gotten old like doctors talking about replacing things. What happened to the days of “OK, see you next year”? Long faded in the rear view mirror now. Nine years ago I damaged my shoulder, bad. Surfing accident. I snapped the top of the humerus off. Dislocated the shoulder and tore the rotator cuff in two places. I also damaged my neck .Eighteen months of PT, three days a week. Combined with an aggressive personal training regime bought me some time. But time catches up. Runs short.
Now the shoulder is in bad shape. Bone on bone, arthritic, and some tendonitis too boot. Combined with the bulging disc in my neck that impedes the nerve, sending tingling numbness down to my hand, it is long past time to just ignore it.
When the doctor says “You know we are going to have to replace that shoulder”, your first thought is I’m not that old. Then, it’s not that bad. Then..fuck me.

The surf was a little rough yesterday and I had a bad fall and hit my head on the sandbar. I got caught up in the waves and was tumbled about, having trouble getting up for air. The thing that now scares me most about it is that I wasn’t scared while it was happening. In fact I was completely okay with it and felt a calmness. A resignation to just let the ocean that has been my constant companion just take me. I’m not sure I want to think about the “why” of it right now. It felt so peaceful and fitting.

Every mistake you make is a lesson. Every day a new chance to be better than the day before. Forgive yourself if you can and don’t fall for the lies you tell yourself. You are never as good or as bad as you think you are. You are just you and sometimes that’s enough and other times it is not.

I can’t believe I’m doing this again.

Check on your friends. All of them. All of the time. You never know what battles they may be going through in silence. Be there to listen. Without judgement, without questions, without favors. Encourage them to talk. To reach out for help. To stay connected.

That being said, if you are ever going thru it and feel you have nowhere to turn. No one you can talk to. I vow to listen.

Tragic moments are sadly a part of life. Tragedy can break a person. Almost one year ago (2/23) the closest thing I had to a brother, my dearest friend and songwriting partner decided that life was too difficult for him to continue. This event very nearly broke me. So much so that the only place I really have talked about it is here, in a place where almost no one even knows who I am. Working my way through the stages of grief has taught me quite a lot about who I am and also who I want to be.

My friend would often get inspiration and have a phrase or a simple guitar part and give it to me saying I hear it like “La la …da da da …” and then have me come up with lyrics. It was how we functioned. This brilliant man would step back and let me express his words. I think now he always knew I doubted my own ability to come up with the right words and this was his way of forcing me to do it.

The last time he did thus was two days before he died. He gave me some recordings and said to give them a listen and see if you can come up with anything. Then he was gone. It took me a very long time to sit with these sketches. I found beauty, brilliance, and just a pure love of music in them. So I’ve turned them into what they were born to be, Fully fleshed out songs. Alive. Screaming of my dear friend and his voice. I hope.

Tomorrow night we are playing a show at our local spot in his memory. I will play just one of these new songs. The recordings are going to be given to his only child. His beautiful daughter who is just at the beginning of her adult life and her own musical journey. She can do what she likes with them. I’m giving her everything I have left of my friend. I hope she likes them.

Some of you have read a few of my ramblings during this difficult year. Your comments and remarks have touched me. I wish I could hug each and every one of you. Instead I’ve written about this experience in a song. Inspired by you.Thank you.

I’ve got twenty days to finish this project I’ve been working on. Step one will be to narrow down what is good and what is utter crap. Step two will be letting someone else other than the handful of people who have been helping me hear these songs. Let me know if Ive not done our friend justice. Then step three will be the letting go and playing them for their intended audience. I’m honestly terrified. Twenty days in a year that has gone so fast.

On a more important note. Check in on your friends and those you hold dear. Give them hugs and remember to tell them you love them.

The waves were perfect today but I was just off. I couldn’t catch a decent one before I got too cold to be in the water. But sitting watching the ocean in all its beauty and power I had a breakthrough. Words came to me. So I sat, phone in hand, capturing them before I lost them.

Things you love don’t always love you back the way you need them too. Or want them too. Fact is, it’s not always about you. Sometimes it is never about you.
Lesson learned.